The Brother I Never Had

When Benjamin was born, I was so excited!  Finally, I'd have the little brother I always wanted.  Even though I was only 4, I imagined what it'd be like when we could share a room, play Legos together, and ride our bikes down to the park.  But I didn't get THAT little brother.  We got Benjamin.  When he was a baby, he cried.  And cried.  And cried.  And when he was 2, he didn't act like other toddlers I've seen.  When the kids in his Sunday School class were all playing with toys, he'd be sitting in the corner, rocking.  I'd try asking him what was wrong, but he couldn't tell me.  When he got older and started school, he got even weirder.  He wouldn't stop talking about mixers - you know, the kind that you use to make bread and cakes and stuff?  He even had a picture of a bunch of different colors of mixers that came in the newspaper.  He carried it around with him wherever we went. 

Benjamin talks loud, and laughs loud, and dresses weird. He won't put on jeans or shirts with collars or short sleeves, and only wears one kind of special underwear Mom had to buy him from the Internet!  And if he doesn't get his way, he screams and kicks!  I used to think he was so spoiled!  When the new Star Wars movie came out, and all my friends got to go see it, we couldn't, because the movie theater was "too much" for Benjamin.  But Dad finally took me alone a few weekends later. 

Sometimes when Mom asks me to walk Benjamin home from school, I don't want to.  He walks funny, bouncing on the tips of his toes, and all he wants to do is talk about mixers, or maybe vacuums.  Even though he's 12 now, he doesn't shower much.  He doesn't like the water in his face, and he doesn't care if he stinks. Sometimes kids make fun of him behind his back, and it makes me so mad!  I don't always tell them to stop, even though sometimes it makes Benjamin cry.  My therapist, Jess, says that it's OK for me to feel embarrassed, and that I am allowed to be angry.  But sometimes, when I see the Mom's and Dad's tired faces after Benjamin has another meltdown, I think it's not fair for me to feel that way.  I try to help them and Benjamin the best I can.  I wonder though, what will happen when I graduate from high school.  Who will take care of Benjamin and my parents then?

(From a sibling of a person with ASD)